This is a place for me to write, one place I know is my very own safe space, more importantly for me to hear myself. To know myself and take care of myself further, in the midst of it all. x
I am also in my state of awareness, intuitive and understand that my own story is just mine to tell, and it is not bigger or smaller than anyone else’s story. It is simple our own. : ) x
For what I had endured and to this day continue to face now and then, will only make now, a part of me as a subject of mental, emotional, psychological abuse. Abuse. Abused.
This word, so strong. And I use considerably deeply.
I write for me to remember to not face that again and fall into any traps of either being tricked or behaving like that myself.
If I did not behave a type of way, I was not good enough, I was not smart enough, I was not tall enough, I was not thin enough, I was not anything enough and so on.
Whenever I was quiet, happy and in my own happy dream-world, I was seen as being depressed and unhelpful. Yes, both depressed and unhelpful apparently. And I was never allowed to voice any opinion, good or bad, nor allowed to be upset or saddened by any mistreatment, otherwise I was being “too” sensitive, my boundaries were being violated, was often made fun of, literally teased, laughed at to diminish any kind of feeling or emotion I had and so on. Enabling me to shut down…leading me to quietly cry myself to sleep. Any crying noise, I was doomed. The only mechanism to get this pain out, or to release myself through any pain my heart was feeling was by quietly crying, because I just had no words for any of this. I wasn’t even allowed to use my words without being teased, so lose-lose situation here. It was literally hurting, my heart…
I didn’t know it could physically hurt so much. Before you know it, subtle yet strong grey to white hairs would appear from both sides of the head due to stress, worrying and anxiety. What is happening to me? I would say, looking at myself in the mirror, this sad, solemn, beaten down girl looking back at me. I need to protect you, saying to the girl in the mirror.
Inner wounded child, emotionally neglected, unwanted. The girl that never received that sincere, genuine love she always felt was missing. There was an emptiness there and she just felt it and just knew as a little girl growing up. That emptiness…
Then taking the slightest compliment someone would ever give to her, would send her gleaming with gratitude and feeling somewhat “loved.” She grew up with an extroverted, affectionate heart, a very sensible and a very giving yet with an often apologising nature, seeking for approval but never attention. Often smiling and showing enthusiasm for life, to cover any kind of sadness or grief and to not make others feel uncomfortable, but would do the exact opposite, and making sure everyone was being looked after, taken care of, being supported and genuinely sending kindness all-around. Whilst, she also faced some odd occurrences from others for being “too nice” and never understanding why some would not take the simple exchange of kindness as an act of kindness yet would feel intimidated by it. She was baffled and hurt again by the negative nature of some others, but was never disheartened, and continued to be nice to those who genuinely appreciated and likened to it. Growing up further, she finally realised the reason behind their unnecessary intimidation. x 🙂
Without knowing, she also became a people-pleaser, often helping and giving her all to help whoever and to especially those that either looked lonely, sad, or looked like someone who has been hurting at school, in public, or anywhere. With the extremely empathic nature, also allowing one to abandon the needs of oneself for the needs of others, and completely submitting without realising, which could mean falling into other narcissistic preys and becoming more codependent, secluded, lost, isolated and then, feeling, even more lonely. What can she do or not do?
For I was crazy for sometimes wanting clarification for any misunderstandings and/or was immediately faulted for even bringing anything up. You can’t even, in a blue-moon say anything, not even with a quiet tone, without them taking complete offence to it regardless, and then taking it as a confrontation and then shouting and humiliating you for even bringing anything up, for supposedly bringing up how you hurt their feelings for saying that they were actually hurting yours. Keeping up? Messed up right, so twisted I can’t even believe I know now, because I truly believed I was at fault here. How does that even work? How does one get yelled at, and made to lower ones standards to stop that person/people from humiliating you any further and on top of that, one having to apologise for even bringing anything up. When in fact, they actually upset you in a private situation, yet will be angry for saying that you hurt them… Gaslighting on another level, even I can’t imagine, would reach such a level. Is there even a level to this? And this “gaslighting” and other obscure terms, I never knew existed, because I just never knew how to express what I was going through, and what was happening to me, yet allowing me to think that I was the problem, the crazy deluded one, that I was the issue, and I was merely a punching bag to them. I was “weak” to them. I was useless yet convenient to them. I was nothing, yet some”thing” to them.
How do you wrap your head round this? I need to catch my breath… x
Why? When one ever wanted was to be loved. To be understood, to be heard, for one was never listened to, yet was spoken to like she was a child one moment and then a grown adult the next moment, picking and choosing whenever it was suitable for them.
Yet, some things that saved me, my faith, my close loved ones and humbly, my travels. Having to endure so much along the way and I’m sure they had to endure me too, my travels saved me from staying sane, happy, content, grateful, feeling free and independent yet still sensible, knowledgeable, understanding, humble, educated , seeking further knowledge and understanding, making new friends and life-long friends along the way and just strengthening what needs to be strengthened.
Oh Lord…my Lord, help me. Oh how I need you. I always need you, my Lord. I love you, so. And thank You for everything. For everything is a test. They are my test and I am a test to them. For there is a blessing in every life experience. Thank you. One is patiently waiting for that pure good loving-love, sincerely knowing she deserves this too. Who doesn’t. And may those be further blessed for already having that, may they humbly receive more of it. For blessed are they. Xx Beautiful. Xx
…all she ever wanted was and is just to be sanely-spiritually-sincerely-genuinely-honestly-unconditionally, loved, respected, valued, hugged, appreciated, felt understood, smiled at, felt cared for, naturally protected over and so on…she believes in it all, because she knows she can easily provide all those too, and more, to the right companion…being garments for one and other and will not accept anything less or minimal and just baseless, for that is definitely not the way. One certainly knows. X
God-Willing, in The Almighty’s beautiful will. ..x
One, she, I.
This is for my old me and for me now. I need to. x
Thank you kindly. ..x